A Day Off

Had a blast at dinner last night. My brother's boyfriend is a really great guy. And beginning to get a little sad at the thought of my little sister moving to Wyoming this weekend. She's been so close and such a fixture in my life for the last few years since she came back from Chicago.

I really don't like the idea of her and her husband being so far away. And I won't see my niece now but two or three times a year. Damn!

Came home last night and started watching Ab Fab. Got through the first series and decided to go to bed.

So I did. And then I just laid there. And laid there. And laid there.

At 6:45 I called my supervisor on her cell phone and informed her that I would not be coming in to work. Luckily, I had my morning smoker's coughing fit in the middle of the phone call, so it seems much more plausible that I was actually calling in sick.

I finally started to drift off about 10:45 when my mother called with a question.

It seems that my grandmother's savings are exhausted and her current care costs are more than twice what she brings in monthly. So, we have to sell her house sooner rather than later. I'm really not ready to deal with that. Especially not now.

It seems that if one thing starts to go wrong everything else starts tumbling down right behind it. It's as if the universe is bound and determined to make certain I'm as depressed as possible.

So, I finally laid down and was able to nap from about 2:30 until 4:30. And I'm back up now, and one would thing I would be really fucking exhausted. Instead, I'm just sitting here as wide awake as I was all night last night. That curious knot in my stomach will not go away. And I just sort of feel it there at all times, needling me, trying to make me feel worse.

I'm trying my best to just ignore it.

So at about 6:00 I got in my car and started driving around. Called Sally and chatted for a bit. Then I drove up to Target and bought the chenille throw and matching pillows I've been eyeing but have refused to allow myself to buy for the last two months.

Drove around for a while longer, resisting the urge to stop at the liquor store and just buy a bunch of shit and come home and get totally plastered. Am currently watching the clock. If I can sit here and keep myself occupied for another 45 minutes now I won't be able to go to the liquor store. (They all close, by law, at 9:00 pm in Oklahoma.)

I just don't want to fall back on old patterns. I already let myself get drunk more times than I should have in the last week. A fact I confessed to my therapist. He didn't seem overly concerned. Said I just need to watch myself and be more careful with my choices. So, that's what I'm doing tonight.

I'm trying to be rational and not emotional. But it's really hard to be rational all the time.

Well, I've rambled for far too long. If you're still reading I applaud your tenacity. That was a lot of self-involved whining right there. But I'll be okay...I just have to find the hump in this situation and get over it.

(P.S. Am v. v. proud of myself. I just ran spell check on this entry. No errors. Wow! At least my typing skills have improved. lol)