How is this normal?

I just got back from my monthly walk to my landlord's house. Every month, on the last day of the month, I walk to block and a half to my landlord's house to drop off my rent check. It's a pleasant walk, and it saves the gas money.

But tonight is was all so beautiful. I could hear the cicadas in the trees. Every few feet I could smell a different flower. The grass is still a vibrant green (very rare for late August in Oklahoma) and the world seems calm and clear and beautiful.

But I am torn by it. Life viewed from the middle of Oklahoma City on a August night seems so uncomplicated and safe. Aside from the cost of gas, events of around the world have had little impact on my world at large.

I spent the better part of this morning reading news reports from the Gulf Coast online. I've been unable to bring myself to turn on the TV since Sunday afternoon, unwilling to see the devastation wrought by the hurricane.

One of the things I came across today that jarred me the most was a direct account of a friend of a friend on Scott's blog of evacuating from New Orleans.

That and all the stories of people stuck and suffering like we're in a third world country.

One in particular comes to mind. A woman in New Orleans was unable to get herself and her husband evacuated because he was dying of lung cancer. Part way through the day yesterday she realized they were down to one canister of oxygen, the only thing keeping her husband of nearly twenty years alive.

She went out in search of help and returned to find that her husband had died.

And no one could come and take the body.

So, she wrapped his body in sheets and placed him on a makeshift raft of plywood and was steering this makeshift funeral barge down the flooded streets.

Finally help did come to her, and her husband's body was moved. But why did this happen? Why are all these people hurting this way? Why were we not equipped for this disaster? How did we not see it coming?

It makes my evening stroll tonight seem like a luxury. A luxury that I got t have tonight because of what? Chance? Am I merely lucky to have not had the same fate befall me? Are those who are hurt and suffering right now merely unlucky?

I think back the story Scott posted on his blog. I'm sitting right now in my apartment and I'm thinking, what would I take if I had to go? What of my worldly possessions could I not bear to let go?

The little wooden chest that I keep candles and a sage bundle in that my grandfather gave me when I was five?

The huge framed "Scary Jesus" picture that hangs in my dining room now, a relic from my father's old church office?

The framed pictures painted by a grandmother that while living is now so far gone from me that she doesn't know my name?

It's all just so bizarre. The thoughts of today have come crashing down on me this evening, and I just can't seem to soothe the disquiet in my brain.

So instead, I sit, contemplating why.

And outside the cicadas continue to drone.

The Bitch is Back in Town

So tonight I got a call from my dear friend Alisabeth. In town for some work related activity tomorrow, she wanted to get together for a while.

I got my shit together and picked up my brother and we met her at her hotel.

Had some dinner at Friday's and hung out for a few hours.

It was a good time. Makes me think about all the time we used to waste in coffeeshops together in college. Just sitting, drinking coffee, chain smoking and never once imagining our futures the way they've turned out.

Not that our lives suck, by any means. It's just that we always had loftier goals and visions...and life has, instead, turned out to be rather ordinary.

I think ordinary is good.

I so wish she and her husband would move back to Oklahoma City.

Got an e-mail this afternoon from Eric. He made it to his halfway point in his travel nearly halfway around the globe. He's cooling his heals there for another few days before he ultimately gets to where he's going.

(as an aside...being a pilot must be incredibly cool...get to go all sorts of cool places and see all the things that most people never do...but I don't think I could stand to be away from home that consistently. Would drive me crazy!)

Anyway...got an e-mail from him...made my afternoon, which was an incredibly tedious tobacco free afternoon.

Got home and had two cigarettes. Now I'm punishing myself by not allowing one before bed.

Speaking of bed, I should have been there an hour ago...so I'll end here.

Sweet Dreams, Sports Fans!

A New Page...

So.

Things are looking up in my world. The past few months have been bizarre in the extreme for me. I started dating again in May. Met a really nice guy. Things didn't work out, but that's life, and I made a friend out of the deal, so that's never a bad thing.

And then last Tuesday I met someone new. And suddenly I'm excited again. I feel like there's still some hope in the world.

And today I started my campaign to quit smoking. So far, here's how it went today.

6:00- Got out of bed (though was up at 4:00, thinking about stuff), showered and dressed.

6:30- Went out on the balcony to read. Did not smoke as had no cigarettes.

7:15- Arrived at work and got quite a few things knocked out.

7:50- Met Rebecca at the door as she was coming into the office. Bummed one smoke off of here while I filled her in on the details of my trip this weekend.

11:15- was at drugstore buying gum...urge to purchase cigarettes overwhelming. Purchased nastiest cigarettes known to man: GPC Menthol Full Flavored. (believe me, ass tastes better.)

11:17- Took two drags off of nastiest cigarette known to man, stubbed it out.

2:25- Braved another nasty cigarette, again, two drags and I was done.

5:00- Stopped at store on way home, brought proper cigarettes.

5:15- Smoked one cigarette on balcony.

Now, I intend on smoking only one more today, right before I go to bed.

My system for tomorrow is as follows. I will take one good cigarette with me to the office. I can smoke it at a time of my choosing, but once it's gone, that's it.
Then once I am home I will smoke one cigarette on the balcony and another just before bed.

I don't really have problems with not smoking at home...except for the after work and before bed cigarettes, so I'll allow myself those. However, work is a problem and I feel like if for the next few days I give myself that one real cigarette to look forward to, I'll be better off.

So. Three cigarettes a day for the next four days. Then for the next seven days after that, two a day. The seven days after that, One a day.

And then none.

I need to do this. I want to do this. And I'm going to make myself stick to it.

I don't even enjoy it anymore. I just do it because I have nothing better to do when I pick up a cigarette. So, I'm just going to do it. I've already limited myself by not allowing myself to smoke in my apartment or my new car...so I know how to handle myself when I start craving.

This will work out for me. Just another change I feel I need to make. I need to finish growing up, and the cigarettes belong in a time for me that is long past.

I'm not 19, sitting in the coffee shop listening to poetry and shitty folk music sung by college trendy lesbians anymore.

So...there's my new leaf, Sports Fans. I'm giving it up. No more smoking for Underling.

Please be as encouraging as possible.

Thanks!

A Busy Weekend

Hi all!

Hope everyone is well. I've had a long weekend. Squeezed in a lot over the past few days.

On Friday, family started arriving from out of town for my Uncle's memorial service. My father's older brother passed away a little over a month ago. As he lived in Germany, his funeral and burial were there, and none of the family stateside were able to attend. So we had a service at my parent's church yesterday afternoon. Just about 20 family members sharing memories and such. It was a nice tribute.

After the service I came home and packed up a few things and took a drive up to Tulsa to hang out with the Pilot. It was a good time. Watched the movie "The Forgotten", and I think that while I like Julianne Moore that the movie was a steaming pile of unexplained crap.

Got up this morning and drove back to the city, where I did some laundry and then napped.

All in all a good weekend.

But I feel a little sad too.

Songs that Embarrass

Are there any songs that make you cringe in embarrassment for the artist?

Tonight I was listening to Billboard hits of 1989, and I'd completely forgotten about Donny Osmond's "Soldier of Love" until I heard it again tonight.

Every time I hear it I understand why he started getting nervous in front of crowds.

Why Kiss Ass?

So, I got into a rather heated e-mail exchange yesterday at work. I was teleprocessing a case and the state office had placed an edit on this particular type of case. I needed the edit cleared and e-mailed the appropriate person at state office.

She immediately began questioning what I was doing, which is not her job. She is just supposed to look at the income on the case, make sure it's within the income limits and then clear the edit.

Instead, she turned into a super condescending bitch.

I felt it was my duty to take her down a peg or two.

Through a series of exchanges I basically told her that it was not her job to question how I was handling the case. I told her that I knew what I was doing and that she had no business questioning me.

I took to starting out every email with the phrase "Have you cleared the edit yet?".

I realize I went a little overboard. It would not be wrong to say I crossed the line of civility, but the bitch pissed me off.

So, eventually, she took care of the problem and left me alone. As I was venting about it yesterday morning, several other people in the office piped up about their dealings with this woman. Apparently, every time she responds to one of our requests or questions she is consistently bitchy, rude and extremely condescending to everyone.

This afternoon I was called into my supervisor's office for the inevitable bitch-slap that I would receive for losing my temper.

Instead she just told me that I should be more careful because I will earn a reputation as a troublemaker. Instead I should simply let this woman talk to me however she wanted. I informed my supervisor that I would no longer be speaking to this particular woman again. And if she e-mails me, I'll forward it on to my supervisor to handle it.

Then I went in to see my (dreamy) boss and let him know that I was sorry for losing my temper...but that I wanted a complaint made to her boss. I wanted it known that I am not alone in feeling that this woman treats field staff like total shit and that we're tired of it.

I'm not going to kiss her ass because she thinks she's more important than me. Please! That is one thing Underling just does not do!

And if they want to think I'm a troublemaker...well, it just means that they have an accurate picture of me in their heads. Because my department is so fucked up, it's about time somebody started stirring the pot more.

That somebody just might have to be me...

(but it won't be. because I have bills to pay and couldn't afford to get fired)

So, I won't be stirring the pot too much...but I won't be kissing ass either.

A Good Day

Ahhh...Monday. First day of the week. Such a nice day isn't it?

Normally, Mondays suck. They just suck.

This morning, however, I woke up at 5:45 to a wonderful summer thunderstorm. Rain was pouring and there was some thunder rumbling in the background. As I sat on my balcony to have a cigarette it just felt like a good day.

I went in to work for a few hours this morning. I didn't have a lot I needed to do today, and I got it all accomplished in relatively short order and then went to lunch with my work group to celebrate two birthdays.

After lunch I came home, checked my e-mail, and headed out the door for my "make-up" appointment with my therapist.

You see, about six weeks ago, I just knew I had an appointment on a Wednesday afternoon. So I called in to confirm the appointment. The girl that answered told me I was not scheduled.

I was.

So, when I didn't show, the main nurse decided that since I'd skipped an appointment, that she would delete the rest of my standing appointments.

Two weeks later when I called in to confirm my appointment for that week, I was told that I did not have ANY appointments scheduled. At that point I asked for the main receptionist that I always deal with and got the whole story.

So, she scheduled a make-up appointment for me...and it was still two more weeks out.

Today, after six weeks, I returned to my therapist's office. He told me he had been afraid that I'd given up. I told him it had been a simple misunderstanding between myself and the new receptionist.

He told me she's already been fired.

So, I'm back in the game. Had a longer session than usual, but felt awesome upon leaving.

I've decided that I know why therapy works for me. I can figure most of this stuff out on my own. I can tell myself why I feel a certain way and why I'm reacting the way I am. However, I don't quite believe myself. Then, 99% of the time, my therapist validates for me what I already knew but wouldn't or couldn't quite believe.

And then I feel better.

I feel better than I have in weeks.

And he told me it was okay that I can't seem to cry. He told me to stop trying and it will hit me when I least expect it.

I hope it doesn't happen while on line at the bank. That would just be embarrassing.

Had dinner with my friend Tim tonight. Had a lot of fun.

Now I'm back from my drive...sitting here thinking about tomorrow.

Sorry folks...

I know a few of you have been able to take advantage of the anonymous comment feature on this blog, but from now on, in order to leave a comment you must have a registered blogger.com name.

I just spent the last half hour deleteing spam comments from my latest post.

Something the bastards at BlogExplosion could have warned me about...

Was trying to take a nap on the couch, and every time I started to drift off, my e-mail would ding...finally came over to check it out to find that my site had been hit over and over again.

Grrr...I'm pissed.

*********4:40 pm Update*********

FUCK!!!!

Well, that didn't work. Anybody out there know how to stop this?

The spammers won't stop!!!

*********5:15 pm update*********

Okay...get through thw word verification, spambot asshole!

If that doesn't work, I'm perfectly willing to sit here and flag EVERY FUCKING ACCOUNT that leaves a spam comment on this site!

I've got NOTHING to do tonight and I've got some rage I could burn off on you people...

A Night of Cards

So, Friday afternoon Nadine called me. She invited me out with her family for a night of fun. The festivities were to begin around 6:00 with dinner in bricktown at 6:00.

As I'd already promised my brother that I would help him finish his laundry and shot him how to iron, I had to decline on dinner.

But when they called about 8:00, I met up with them and headed out to, not one, but two different Indian casinos.

First we went to a really shoddy looking one south of town, but got out of there before too long because they didn't have a bar. And Nadine's father wanted beer.

We played blackjack for about 30 minutes before taking off for another casino. As we left the there, I was up by $25.

We got to the second casino, Lucky Star at about 10:00. We found the blackjack table and sat down.

We played until after 2:00 in the morning. I was up more than $100 at one point, and of course, being the greedy bastard I am, lost all of it. Managed to build it back up though, and left only $10 down for the entire night.

The important thing being, I had a blast. But I'm thinking that gambling will be a once every few months activity. I don't make enough money to lose it at the blackjack table.

Another Long Week Over...

I swear to god that I posted something here yesterday. I have no idea where it is now, but I DID post something here.

It was mainly just a laundry list of what the last week consisted of for me. Nothing too terribly interesting or exciting.

Where did the time go?

Oh my god...It's almost 11:30.

This has been the fastest day for me in a while. Work was a general bore, but once I left the office, the hours just flew by.

Drove first to the bank, where I waited in line for 40 minutes to make a deposit at the drive thru.

Then went to the grocery store with a list of like 12 items, and still ended up spending more than $80. Oh well, at least I know I won't have to go back (except for the weekly produce run) for the rest of the month.

Came home, put the groceries away and made dinner. Ate. Cleaned up. Then, before I knew it, it was 8:00, time for my drive.

I made my drive, called my mother, verifying that she and my father (both in their sixties) had returned safely from Wyoming.

Then I made the god awful trip to Wal-Mart.

But, when I got home, about 9:30, I burned the CDs I wanted to burn for some work friends, and then did a birthday card and some letters I needed to send out tomorrow. I chatted with my little sister on the phone...and suddenly, it;s past my bedtime. I don't know where the time goes...

As a side note, I must point out that while I was at Wal-Mart, I was cruised, not once, but twice.

It's nice to know that someone thinks I'm worth a second look.

Although, one of the guys was going a bit overboard. I mean, I'm all about getting the occasional appreciative glance, but come on...I hope I don't put off the kind of vibe that suggests that I would fuck you just because we shared a glance in the greeting card aisle at Wal-Mart...lol

Anyway, headed to bed here, Sports Fans. Need to get my beauty sleep...

If I don't start getting some really restful sleep, I'm going to be forced to use concealer for the bags under my eyes...and Underling does NOT wear make-up.

Good night, my dear readers.

Why Underling should sometimes simply not go out into public...

An Afternoon with Jack and Carly

So, this afternoon at work, they brought in all new printer/copiers for the office. For some reason, they decided that the middle of the day was the best time to do this. So, they took all of our computers off the network and left us with nothing to do while they installed the new equiptment.

So, I spent some quality time listening to a few CDs.

First up was "On and On", Jack Johnson. This is the third album by Mr. Johnson that I've bought in the last few months, and I believe the last one available to me other than the soundtracks for the movies he made.

I can't get over how fucking incredible his music is. All three of these CDs are some of the most listenable music I heard in a long time. My new favorite song, Cocoon, is just so great. I can't stop listening to this song.

The other album I spent some time with today (and the one I'm listening to right now) is The Best of Carly Simon. I just love her.

Got out of the office normal time and had to drive up to my parents house. They are in Wyoming for the next four days, so I had to go feed the dog and cats. While I was there, I pulled the laundry that was piled up on the piano bench and sat down and played for over an hour. It's probably been a year since I've been on a piano...I miss playing. I wish I had room for one in my apartment.

I felt really good while I was sitting there playing. But once I stopped playing I just started feeling wretched again. It was back and forth today. I was either in completely good spirits or just feeling terrible.

So, I'm going to spend a little time online tonight, and then I'm going to watch "To Kill a Mockingbird" and try to induce some crying. I need to get some of this emotion out of me...and I can't get rid of it by screaming. So, I'll try and force myself to cry.

Well, I'm out.

LAter, Sports Fans.

Driving

So, it's become my new thing to go for a drive in the evenings. After I've eaten and done the washing-up, I get into my car at about 8:00 with a CD and go for a drive.

Most nights I drive through Heritage Hills (my neighborhood) and Mesta Park (which Heritage Hills sort of melts into). I head West for a bit and then will generally stop in at 7-11 at 23rd and Penn for iced tea if I'm feeling thirsty.

Last night I was cruising around listening to David Gray's "White Ladder" and decided I wasn't quite ready to go home. So, instead, I drove up north and looked around the Edgemere Park area. There are some absolutely beautiful homes and lawns up there...all within yards of Broadway Extension...

So I spent a good hour driving around looking at people's houses and yards last night. Thrilling? You don't have to tell me that.

Then I came home and attempted to watch "Amelie", which my brother had lent me. I'd not seen it before and was quite excited to see it.

So, of course, instead I spent the better part of the night on the phone with various people, instead of watching the movie.

But, I watched it this afternoon. My therapy appointment was canceled, but as I had already planned on taking the afternoon off for that, I left work at noon as usual and came home to watch the movie.

I loved it!

Then Erica came by and we talked and bitched for a while. Me bitching about my issues, she bitching about her job hunt.

Now It's 5:30, and I'm ready for a long night in front of the computer.

Except, of course, for my evening drive.

A day full of anger...

That's what yesterday was. I'm not sure where it came from, but I must have had a lot of unexpressed rage built up. I nearly hit a co-worker at lunch. Here's how it happened.

I was sitting in the conference room eating as usual. We had the TV on and we were watching People's Court.

One of the women from upstairs came through the conference room on her way outside to smoke. As she walked behind me, SHE PUT HER FUCKING HAND ON MY SHOULDER!

Okay people, let's be very clear on this: You must have permission from Underling before you are allowed to touch him.

EVERYONE in my office knows not to put their hands on me. And this woman has been warned before.

So, I whipped around and was ready to draw my fist back when I stopped myself and started my calming down work.

The afternoon was a little better...no one else tried to touch me.

Then after work I went by my parents and visited with my father for a few hours. I was completely calm after that. I was able to come home and make dinner, eat and chat with a few friends online.

In other news: My sister and her husband are officially in Wyoming. They called last night to describe their house and tell me they'd arrived.

Well, there's really not a lot else to post here today. I mean, there are things that I could post, but I don't want to and you can't make me.

So there.

My First Audio Post.

A Life In Flux

Things don't always turn out like we expect.

Say that you meet an incredible guy. This guy changes your entire perspective of how life could be. Thoughts start circling in your mind. You start to expect things to go a certain way.

But that's so rarely what happens.

Maybe the expectation of what "could be" is an impediment to simply enjoying the reality of "what is".

There may be some tears and some pain over the loss of what could have been, but isn't it more important to see the value of what is, and actually take the opportunity to take life as it comes.

After all, none of us has a crystal ball. We don't know what might come our way in the future.

Sleep, Meet Underling. Underling, Meet Sleep

Ah...sleep. It was everything I remembered it to be. I went to bed at about 10:30 last night and slept soundly until my alarm went off at 6:30.

Now we'll see if I can do a repeat of that tonight.

Yesterday evening, my brother called and insisted that we go to dinner. It was a good idea, as I needed to get out of my apartment. So we went out and ate, and he brought me a few DVD's I'd wanted to borrow. Good times.

Well, anyway...that's all the news I have for now. Best if I got back to work anyway. I mean...if I don't certify these food stamps, these people aren't going to feed themselves.

Still Awake...

...And I have roughly 4 hours before I have to be dressed and out of the house for work.

I hate not being able to fall asleep.

*****This just in*****

It's now about 8:40 am. I never did go to sleep last night, so this morning at 6:45, I left for the office. When my boss opened the door at 7:00 I went in, sat down at my desk and in a little over an hour (most of which time was spent completely alone) I managed to knock out all the work I needed to get done to stay current.

So, I'm back home now...waiting to fall asleep.

We'll see.

A Day Off

Had a blast at dinner last night. My brother's boyfriend is a really great guy. And beginning to get a little sad at the thought of my little sister moving to Wyoming this weekend. She's been so close and such a fixture in my life for the last few years since she came back from Chicago.

I really don't like the idea of her and her husband being so far away. And I won't see my niece now but two or three times a year. Damn!

Came home last night and started watching Ab Fab. Got through the first series and decided to go to bed.

So I did. And then I just laid there. And laid there. And laid there.

At 6:45 I called my supervisor on her cell phone and informed her that I would not be coming in to work. Luckily, I had my morning smoker's coughing fit in the middle of the phone call, so it seems much more plausible that I was actually calling in sick.

I finally started to drift off about 10:45 when my mother called with a question.

It seems that my grandmother's savings are exhausted and her current care costs are more than twice what she brings in monthly. So, we have to sell her house sooner rather than later. I'm really not ready to deal with that. Especially not now.

It seems that if one thing starts to go wrong everything else starts tumbling down right behind it. It's as if the universe is bound and determined to make certain I'm as depressed as possible.

So, I finally laid down and was able to nap from about 2:30 until 4:30. And I'm back up now, and one would thing I would be really fucking exhausted. Instead, I'm just sitting here as wide awake as I was all night last night. That curious knot in my stomach will not go away. And I just sort of feel it there at all times, needling me, trying to make me feel worse.

I'm trying my best to just ignore it.

So at about 6:00 I got in my car and started driving around. Called Sally and chatted for a bit. Then I drove up to Target and bought the chenille throw and matching pillows I've been eyeing but have refused to allow myself to buy for the last two months.

Drove around for a while longer, resisting the urge to stop at the liquor store and just buy a bunch of shit and come home and get totally plastered. Am currently watching the clock. If I can sit here and keep myself occupied for another 45 minutes now I won't be able to go to the liquor store. (They all close, by law, at 9:00 pm in Oklahoma.)

I just don't want to fall back on old patterns. I already let myself get drunk more times than I should have in the last week. A fact I confessed to my therapist. He didn't seem overly concerned. Said I just need to watch myself and be more careful with my choices. So, that's what I'm doing tonight.

I'm trying to be rational and not emotional. But it's really hard to be rational all the time.

Well, I've rambled for far too long. If you're still reading I applaud your tenacity. That was a lot of self-involved whining right there. But I'll be okay...I just have to find the hump in this situation and get over it.

(P.S. Am v. v. proud of myself. I just ran spell check on this entry. No errors. Wow! At least my typing skills have improved. lol)

Tuesday...

So, tonight is the night I go to dinner with my brother and meet his boyfriend.

We actually discovered about 2 weeks ago that I sort of knew his boyfriend in college. I even found a reference to him in my journal from back in like 1998. Small world. He knew a guy who knew a guy who knew me. And I remember he used to hang out at the coffeeshop I hung out in a few times.

I don't know that I ever even spoke to the guy back then.

Now, seven years later he's dating my brother.

So, I get to do that tonight.

Then back home and I can spend a few hours watching some of the Ab Fab that has come my way via Netflix. It's been years since I've seen them...and they showed up right when I needed the funny the most.

Have been listening to the CDs Trevar made for me Saturday night. First there was Green Day, "American Idiot". That was the first one to get a full listen. That CD is awesome. It's the first Green Day since "Dookie" That I've been able to listen to without skipping tracks. Awesome!

Next was The second disc from the new Foo Fighters CD "In You Honor". I like their sedate music better than their upbeat...so this one is perfect for me. However, I had to change over as I'm at work...and the tempo of the music was making me a little drowsy.

Right now I'm listening to Ben Folds. It's great. Love the piano. Love his voice.

Still have two more to listen to fully. First is Nouvelle Vague. I heard a few of the songs from this CD while I was visiting with them Saturday night. Liked what I heard.

The there's M.I.A titled "arular". I know nothing about this CD. So it'll be a complete surprise when I listen to it.

Ahhh, music...what would I do without it?

I should be in bed...

but I went by my parents this evening. While I was there I borrowed my sister's copy of the Counting Crows "August and Everything After". My copy has disappeared long ago...and I felt a burning need to hear "Raining in Baltimore", one of my all time favorite songs.

So I've been listening to it over and over again.

There's a line in it that's always gotten to me.

"There's things I'll remember,
There's things I'll forget.
I miss you, I guess that I should.
3,500 miles away,
but what would you change if you could?"

God...there's something about Counting Crows...